Explosive Clearasil

01/26/2010
Day 324 of 365: I don't fly often. I didn't fly much before 9/11, and post 9/11 I didn't fly for about 3 years, largely due to school. After graduating in 2004, I started to travel more, and therefore began experiencing the hightened levels of security that had been implemented in the US and abroad. As a result, I've had some interesting encounters which lead me to ask, "What's the strangest thing you've ever been delayed by airport security for?".

It only takes one dummy to cause the FAA to add new rules and regulations to airport security checks that will affect and inconvenience domestic and international travelers forever. There's a whole list of these guys who can't play nice with others. Remember the shoe bomb guy? He's on the dummy list. Now I have to take off my shoes at the airport. Was there a guy who tried to smuggle a bomb on an airline with his laptop? Probably. I'm not sure if it's wise to Google "bomb" and "airport" together, so I'll just stick to hypothesizing.

I have to give it up, there are some creative people out there. I mean, did a guy really make a bomb out of the foil from an Eclipse gum package? Must have, because I've been searched for that. Or, has anyone ever endangered passengers on an airplane with a plastic letter opener shaped like a samurai sword? Those were actually confiscated from my carry-on bag on my way back from Japan, but I can sort of understand. I didn't check any luggage on that trip, so I was screwed. And then there's the Ranch Style Beans that I brought back to Korea from Texas. RANCH STYLE BEANS!! I can just imagine a conversation on the airplane going something like this:

Passenger A: "Do you smell something cooking?"
Passenger B: "Yeah, it smells delicious. Asiana has definitely upgraded their in-flight menu."

And then a guy with boots and a cowboy hat jumps out of his chair with 6 cans of beans strapped to his chest, threatening to crash the plane unless they serve him some brisket and potato salad.

Fortunately for me, the women who searched my bag was reasonable and let them pass, but she actually warned me that most people would have confiscated them. I don't doubt it.
LAX Airport Security: "Hey guys! Lunch is on the stupid Texan!".

Now that I think about it, the one time I actually had something dangerous, an Exacto Knife, which is a razor sharp art knife, security missed it and let me pass. It wasn't until I was sitting in a coffee shop inside the airport that I reached into my bag for a pen and found it there. I was scared to death that it had gotten through and went to turn it in. However, in hindsight my word choice wasn't the best.

Me: "Uh, excuse me?"
Airport Security A: "Yes. How can I help you?"
Me: "I think I have something dangerous in my bag."
Airport Security A: "...What do you mean...dangerous...?"
Airport Security B: (Reaches for his gun).
Me: (Oh crap that was stupid. Panic!)

At that point I said it was an art knife. They told me to give them the bag...slowly. It was unnecessarily tense for a long 15 seconds. Needless to say, they kept the knife. I like to think that on that day I contributed to LAX's security quality control.

Lastly, there's the infamous Clearasil incident. Having been pulled aside for having a tube of face soap that was twice the amount allowed, I was more than happy to let them keep it if it meant I could be on my way. "It's only $7, ma'am." I said. "No big deal.". Out of the kindness of her heart, she told me that she would run a quick chemical check, and if it passed, I could keep it. "Cool!" I thought. (That stuff is kind of expensive). So she swabbed the rim with a Q-tip and then scanned it on a machine. After a few seconds she said, "Uh, oh.". "What's uh,oh?" I asked. She replied:

EXPLOSIVES DETECTED

"#@&% $#@$ *&^%#!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!" was my response. Honestly though, I was halfway laughing because of how ridiculous the situation was. So I asked, "What happens now?". In that instant, a large black man appeared out of nowhere and said, "Now I'm gonna have ta search ya.", at the same time snapping on his latex surgical gloves. Ok. No problem. I've got nothing to hide.

Large Man: "Have you done this before?"
Small Me: "I...'m not sure...?"
Large Man: "First thing I'm gonna do is take my finger..."
Smaller Me: (Oh God, no. ) ...(and looking for somewhere to run)
Large Man: "...and trace it along the inside waist of your jeans."
Me: "Ok. Noooo problem." (relieved)
Large Man: "Then I'm going to take my finger..."
Me: (No! No more fingers!) ...(and avoiding eye contact at this point)
Large Man: "...and I'm going to trace the inside of your collar."
Me: "Sigh". (This will make for an interesting blog post).

After that it was a series of "non-invasive" patdowns and I was free to go. Obviously they kept the soap. I asked if this sort of thing happens a lot, but they dodged the question. Then I asked if I could take a picture of the "Explosives Detected" readout to show my friends, and he gave a definitive, "No.".

Fair enough.